Travle time

In case anybody was wondering where I was; I was away. As you can imagine somebody such as myself does lots of traveling; so much that I know what has to come out of the bag and into the little trays, and what can stay in. Laptop, camera=separate bins but change, phone, jacket, iPod are all safe to ride together in the same bin.
I'm shure by now you are all awe struck by my knowledge of travel. However, no matter how far or how long I fly there is always that feeling the night before that as you step through the metle detectors the red light will flash and you will be tackled by seven burley TSA agents, strip searched then disapear with out a trace like George Orwell's '1984'.
I highly dobut this will ever happen, but it's still something I don't like to think about.

Happy Year!

Happy year everybody! I have been doing this for one year today, and what do you know I'm sick! Thanks for reading for a whole year and please stay reading for at least another!

Words of the Wise (Oct 21); Food woes

I opened up the refrigerator this morning and found-to my horror-lots of food! Now I know what you're thinking, "that's good". The only reason you're thinking that is because you have been brain washed by the masses that haveing a full fridge is good. But actaully have ing a full fridge is a very bad thing, face it you and I both know that you'll never eat that meat loaf that's been sitting in the back on top of the Chinese take out sense June. I have that problem too, it's almost as if you become sentimentally attached to food and are no longer able to throw it out. This happens so much that you no longer have room in the fridge for real food that any human would eat. So what do you do? Buy another fridge and put it in the basement; you call it "Food storage" (but really what's the point of storeing parshable food for a disaster? The minuet that meator strikes you will be eating Eggos like no tomorrow!) everybody knows you just bought the second fridge beacuse you were to afraid to throw anything out.
I think I can help us all before our houses are completly filled with refrigerators; Reduce Reuse Recycle! We will be doing the reuse part-come along it's fun!
There are tons of food items in your fridge that have more then one use for instance frozen pancakes-they may not be eatable anymore but they make great coasters! No need to spend lots of money on expensive art, decorate you house with that old casserole! Hang it on your wall (If you can put a nail through it). Rice from take out boxes that's gotten all hard-it makes excellent cat litter!
It's really quite easy to get rid of food with out actually getting rid of it, all it takes is some nails (to hang the casserole), an actave imagination-for food products that I did not mention above, and lots of Glade plugins!

Keyboard woes

I know it's been over two weeks, but the good news is that I fixed the position of my keyboard so it no longer feels like I'm throwing cinder blocks at my wrists when I'm writhing. Actually I fixed my keyboard about a mounth ago, but it makes for a good excuse. Any whosit I'm back.

Words of the Wise (Sept 29):Somebody do something news worthy!

I hope something really big, huge, happens this weekend, nothing bad (I'm cynical not evil), just something big. The reasion I am wishing for this; I am getting tired of there being no news. Each day I wake up and ooh, looks like the first female space tourist just broke the atmosphere! Guess what the astronauts rebuilding the international space station had to come back beacouse they forgot there hammer! The first female space tourist, saw a moon fly by on the left of the ship (or maybe it was just some space junk). The first female space tourist opened up a raspberry tart space pack, but it was actually one of the ice cream ones! And did I tell you there was a lady space tourist in space!
Ok, we get it there's no news, now you space buffs are saying "Travis, this is the best month of our lives", I am aware of this, but can we keep it off the front page, space stories are generally reserrved for 25a, I'm a computer buff, but you don't see me spreading lap-top stories all over the New York Times.
When there is no news, tabloids make there money;

"Wow hunny, there was a dancing monkey on Lettermen last night."

The young coupple reads the headline then turns to the tabloid section;

"Oh wow, a five headed man from Mars just caught Osama!"

Wich would you buy? Really every time there is no news big news companies must shoot them selves in the feet. It's not absolutly nessacary to make up a headline but if the only news was about that dancing monkey, what would you do?

Twinkies

I heard today that Twinkies have a half-life of twelve years, this is disturbing, now don't get me wrong I love the Twinkie (although I prefer the Devil Dog) there great, but nobody wants to here the words Twinkie and half-life in the same phrase. It's not natural, wich is what most of the food we consume is-not natural. I would much rather wach TV and stuff my face with Twinkies then read about the Twinkie half-life while stuffing my face with Twinkies. The same goes with potato chips, french fries, chocolate (however recent studies show that chocolate can be good for the heart and taste buds), soda, and various other forms of junk. So if you're pushing healthy eating please push somewhere else beacouse I'm stuffing my face with a Philly chease steak!

(Authors note: I have no actuall clue what the Twinkie half-life is, Wikipedia says the 12 year thing is a myth, so go on stuff your face it's ok there really healthy and only have a shelf life of 25 days.)

It took me 2 hours to write this!

So it's been almost a week sence I lasted posted anything, so I thought I should today... ...I probably should have created some kind of agenda but... Well I just ate dinner, had dersert, went out for an hour and forgot I was working on a blog entry, now I am no longer motavated.

Words of the Wise (Sept 9): Funny

For some reasion I find almost everything funny, you can and will interpret this in one of two ways, one: I find joy in life and a jolly humorous person. Two; a cynical and bitter shell of a man. Chances are you picked neither because just when you were about to decide this sentence started and insed of stopping and thinking about the two choices you were offered you just carelessly read on. However when you got to the end of that sentence you stopped and thought about what you just read, maybe you even chuckled a little bit. For some reasion I find this funny.

Getting back to my original point if you guessed point number two you were right, or at least for the most part. I consider myself a jolly cynic: meaning I can laugh at anything. This is good and bad at the same time, beacouse this morning I got up and drove a few hours to go to the grocery store, now I could have gone to the grocrey store accross the street but it's a ugly shade of gray thus I hate it. I find it funny how I dive an hour to get to my preferred store beacouse I hate the color of my local one, haha haha the jolly cynic strikes again! When I got to the store I started laughing at this big guy beacouse well he was a body builder and for some reasion I find them funny. Then I got mauled wich was also funny, it's just so stereotypical of big tuff guys to also be mean.

What has really been annoying me of late is words, I find them like everything else funny. This is bad beacouse I can no longer carry on conversations with people;

Me: So I here you have cats (chuckle)

Guy: Yes, I have two cats, my cats like to sit on the window sill, however my one cat fell off now the other cat has the sill all to it's self.

Me: (Burst out laughing)

Because think about it if you really focus on a word for a long time it automatically becomes funny. Funny, now there's a funny word funny is just so funny, haha I can't stop laughing funny, it's funny, just so funny!

Words of the Wise (Sept 2); Shot in the foot.

I just shot my self in the foot, well not literally. What happened was I bought a new keyboard, before it had always been just me and my laptop but I read on the internet that if a laptop keyboard breaks, you can not replace it, this is bad. So I got a new one for home use. But now it does not fit on my desk, so I just opened my desk drawer and put it in there, wich was bad because now my carpal tunnel is acting up and I can't write anything.

Comments from the road II

Hello everybody still on the road, literally I am naked in the middle of the road and here's how it happened; I had decided to hit up a baseball game while in the try state area but after I had bought tickets I realized that oh no, I don't have a car! So I started walking it was a long walk and after I had gone 3 minuets I started hitchhiking, which was a bad idea. So I hitched a ride with a trucker but there were two problems with this; 1 he was going in the wrong direction and 2 he was a sadistic killer.
So there I was stuck to his seat (he covered it with Krazy Glue) he was revving up his chain saw and nobody was watching the road. I did what anybody would have done if they were me, took off all my cloths (because they were stuck to the glue which was stuck to the seat) opened the door and jumped to the grass right before the truck careened off a cliff and the Duel music started playing.
I pulled myself from the grassy roadside and began to hitch hike again but this time I was only in my under where. After a few minuets a cop picked me up and said he could take me to the baseball game. I rode with him for a few minuets before he got a message that a high-speed chase was going on in the area, so of course he had to join! We picked up the guys trail and fallowed for a long time. It was nothing but high speed TV style action the whole time! Then daister struck we hit a wet spot going around a turn and smashed into a parked car, my seat belt broke and I went right through the windshield! I was lucky because I was wearing a hat and this protected my head. Anyway the windshield did not stop me I rocketed through the air gaining speed I hardly knew what was happening before my head struck the wing of a low flying air plane (1 to 2 thousand feet) and I bounced back to earth landing on the pavement right out side the ball park!
Well I need to get some pants and a shirt before the game starts so good day everybody!

Comments from the road

Olah, (that's French for Hello I am traveling). So anyway I have been on the road for about two weeks now and everything has been going great! So far I have not been imprisoned for not removing my belt at airport security, knock wood. Well I am currently staying in America's #2 vacation spot New Jersey (second only to Florida), ha no I love New Jeresy from our syringe filled beaches to the gang warfare in Trenton, from the smog in Newark to the rattle of change at Trhump Tashma Hall! (I don't know how to spell it but you know what I mean). New Jersey is actually my second home (being the insider that I am I have homes all over the world). Well thanks for reading and enjoy the memories I will try to write again some time soon (if not I died at the beach)!

Me

I am a columnist meaning I always were a jacket around the house and I always look nice and sometimes I smoke a pipe;



That at least seems to be the stereotype of all columnists weather they be, political (funny), humorous (funny), technology (intresting) or self-help (funny). I decided I was going to break this stereotype by taking a picture of myself dressed in pajamas and a button down plaid shirt with a mayonnaise stain (ewww) but then I realized two things; one I don't own a button down plaid shirt with a mayonnaise stain (ewww) and two I would rather play dress up.

Public Service Announcement

I have been going on lots of trips recently; for instance this past weekend I went for a very relaxing over night (hence the reason I did not post) and I am going on a very nice long trip this coming week it's a big one. Be warned that while I am away I will not post much maybe about 2 or 3 times. Thanks for listing!

What I did today

It would be stupid to write about this because 97% of what I did today was think of what I was going to write in my blog... If I did write about that it would go like this; I woke up and thought, "what on Earth can I write today?" Then I had lunch and I was like "I could write about-no wait that would be lame".

So as you can tell once again I have a 100% genuine blog entry out of having nothing to write about! I think I am obsessed with the idea that you can fill a book with writing about not knowing what to write, thank you and good night!

Words of the Wise (July 1);Happy July

Sorry I'm late I missed Saturday, but we can just pretend that it's Saturday.

assuming it's Saturday;

Today is Canada day, so what did I do? I had a Canada, or something like it, I went to a parade. For those of you who don't know a parade is a massive jumble of color loud noise and people throwing candy at you. For your enjoyment I will try, to the best of my ability, to describe this thing called a parade.
It started by the Rent-a-Junk store, and headed down 6th (I don't memorize the names, it hurts my head). Taking the lead I think was like a big fire truck with the mayor or maybe George Powell, somebody famous. After that things got more colorful with The Senior's Olympic Games Bus, there was this lady sitting next to me who yelled with pride that her grandma could take out all them after she said it an elderly man stepped off the float and wresled her to the ground then casually walked back to the float. After the violence was over we were given a real treat; a Marching Band, who apparently used for there float the same decorator who does most maximum security prisons. When you think about it though they are a marching band not marching interior decorators, this however brings me to the next part of the great parade The Marching Interior Decorators who were quite nicely dressed. Next came the proud, well you know, Club, who's bus driver could not shut up really she kept blowing the horn like she was a New Yorker in a traffic jam.
After most of the real floats had passed we were subjected to the "this town supports every group" floats, Nobody Cares About Us, Computer Novice Annoumous, Nobody Cares About Us Did Not Even Care About Us and all the other groups nobody cares about, most people walked on to catch up with the Seniours Olimpic Games Bus or fell asleep. After the parade, the bars filled like children in a mud puddle (they were a hot comoty), and I think everybody got Monday off because they are still sleeping it off. (It may be the sound of the marching band or the drinks).

Well all in all it was a truly great Canada Day. Now I set my eyes ahead to the American holiday called the 4th of July, I am celebrating all holidays this year in honor of each country's unique struggle, and I like to party. But you know what they say, after Canada and the 4th, don't forget Bastille Day!

Here we go again!

Well it's 11 at night, exactly and I am sitting cramming for what was supposed to be a good blog entry, this is not the first time my mind has drawn a blank while looking at my computer screen. (My veteran readers will remember my "Cobras kill more people..." post.)

That's a funny expression "drawn a blank" because if you drew it, would it not be drawn on and thus NOT blank? That doesn't seem possible, but then again maybe we are all just actors in the movie of life and this planet is our Hollywood and things that aren't possible in 'real life' are always possible in Hollywood! But if this is not real live and just a movie, when is the end, when does the director yell cut at the end of the day and we go home? Maybe that's when we die, if so you would actually want long hours.

Not much

My words of the wise tend to be long, so I am not doing one today becouse I feel sick, nextweek though.

Leopard Screen Shots!!!

I just posted but I am so excited I had to post again.

If you are an Apple fan like myself you will be very happy to see these screen shots of Apples new version of their operateing system: OSX 10.5 Leopard, check em out here http://trinityrubicon.blogspot.com/2006/06/mac-os-x-105-leopard-screenshots.html

Chances are that they are faked nobody else has them that I know of but it still looks cool.

Things that annoy me...

For today's blog entry I was going to write a list of 10 things that annoy me, but then I decided that it could be used against me. For example, I hate when people pronounce my last name Fan-tee-nah!* See, now if I ever meet anybody who reads this they will approach me "Hey, Travis Fan-tee-nah!" Then I would maul them and be sent to prison and I really don't want to go to prison. Speaking of which, that is another thing that annoys me, when I get sent to prison. This has never happened but if it did it would be annoying.

AHHH I just realized that I just told you two things that annoy me! This is exactly what I was talking about, I guess I could just hit backspace a bunch of times, but I am much to lazy to do that. So I guess I just have to run the risk of meeting somebody who reads this and having to listen to them say "Fan-tee-nah" then go to prison for mauling them.




*My last name is pronounced "Fan-te-na" the other way has WAY to much inphisis on the last to syllables.

The 6 Fingered man.

DISCLAIMER: Before I post I would like to clarify one thing; people only have 4 fingers per hand the thumb is not considered a finger. Today, however, I will be pretending that the thumb is a finger, so in today's entry when I say I have 5 fingers per hand please don't email me and lecture me on fingers.

For some odd reason every now I count my fingers and toes, I do this to make sure that I do indeed have five, I just want to make sure. If I counted one day and found out that I had six I would go count somebody eles's and make sure they too have six.
Think about it, it would be a major break through if somebody just one day out of the blue found out "Oh the human race has six fingers per hand not five!" That person would be famous he would be on talk shows and do radio interviews! Then he would write a book "How I Discovered that People Have a Sixth Finger!" it would of cores be a runaway bestseller and they would become rich, and that is why I want to be that person.

Now If I found that I was one of the only humans on Earth to have six fingers I would most likely join Barnum and Bailey's and become a dancer which of course is completely unrelated to me having six fingers but I would still be rich and famous.

So I guess the real reason I count my fingers every few months is because I want to be rich and famous, no I am not trying to make a major scientific break through I just want riches beyond my tamest dreams and fame lots of it!

Slackers!

Yeah, I know I have been slacking, it has been like 5 days since I last updated. But the good news is; I just found a song on iTunes that I have been looking for, looking for like the past 3 years!

Anyway I decided that today I would do something very extra special, but as I thought about it I could not think of anything so I decided to do nothing special for today's post.

Blah

THIS JUST IN, TODAY I HAD A BLAH DAY, PLEASE STAY POSTED FOR FURTHER BULLITIONS...

The Ultimate Insider!

To the untrained eye, there is no good reason why I call myself "The Ultimate Insider" but to me their is; I know that I am not actually a cool guy who bloggs, I am actually a cool guy who bloggs who can also do flips and run up walls I'm sort of a ninja spy. Ultimate refers to my ninja status and Insider refers to my Spy status. The Insider also refers to the fact that nobody really knows what I do, yet I am always seen at parties with ridiculously famous icons, and I am always seeing movies like a year before they come out and I know about all major news stores about a week before they are seen in the papers*. I don't know when it is that I am doing all this 'inside' stuff, but I like to think it's what I do when I am asleep.



*Your grandkids won't know what that is.

Save the net

I don't like to get political, and I don't think of this blog as political in any way, but this is an issue that all parties are fighting for, and it's about net neutrality! Republicans Democrats everybody from all different parties is fighting for this. To find out more about keeping the internet safe from big telephone companies visit http://www.savetheinternet.com If you don't in a year this blog may no longer exist!

Hyped about RAM!

I just put in 256 more MEGs of ram!!! So naturally I am very excited! It works like a charm! I guess that's all I really have to say for now, I may write something a bit longer a bit later!

Sliced bread

People have are always saying "Oh that's the greatest thing sense sliced bread." This expression was invented because many years ago (the way people say it seams like it was the late 1800's), people were still baking bread in there bread machines, pulling it out and eating it like savages. Then one day one guy said "Hey lets use on of these," he held up a knife and ever sense people have been cutting, or slicing bread!

The expression "That's the greatest thing sense sliced bread" has been used by many people describing many things. In fact it has been used to describe so many things, there is no longer A greatest thing, but several of them! So I have, because I am board, decided to come up with my list of the 5 greatest things sense sliced bread.

1) Buttered bread.
2) The pencil.
3) The computer.
4) Myself.
5) The Blog.

There you have it, my list of the 5 greatest things sense sliced bread.

Math is absurd.

This is a theory I came up with about seven or eight months ago: my theory states that Math is absurd. All math is: just some scraches on paper that people think about (lots). But think about it, if society told you ever sense you were a little baby, in desperate need of a change, that 1 + 1 = 5 it would be normal to you. Then if somebody came along and said that 1 + 1 + 2, you would laugh at them and then punch them. (When I tell people this theory that's what they do.)

Anyway I guess what I am trying to say about math and everything is, I most likely have dangerous amounts of time on my hands. This is not always a bad thing, the greatest theories were thought up by people with lots and lots of time on their hands but in my case, I'd say it's a dangerous thing. What credentials do I have to diagnose my self? I have two much time on my hands.

Another example of this problem: I kept writhing in my blog, long, long, long, after I had driven my point home.

Reintroducing the insider...

Ok, so as most of you can tell I lost interest in Words of the Wise a long time ago (December), So I have decided to dedicate this blog to rants, odd news, they will of course be executed with the same humor everybody has come to expect from me. Now don't get me wrong I love writing columns so I will not be killing Words of the Wise, it will still come about two times a month, every Saturday, as usual but now I will be writing lots more during the week. You may be thinking, how will writing more want to make Travis increase how many Words of the Wise columns he writes a mount, the answer is: I am a psycho.

Ok so this new plan, of writing everyday is effective as of today! What you just read is what I will be writing for today, be shore to check up tomorrow for a new rant or some odd fact that you don't care about, but can use to impress people.

Words of the Wise (April 15); Why I am Lazy

I have not written in almost a monuth, this would lead many people to think that I am a very Lazy person, this is true. But it is only one of the reasons, the other is that I keep forgetting (personally I like the lazy excuse better). So I am going to try to stop being so lazy, but this is hard because I don't even know if anybody reads this blog, if you do could you please comment?

Now if I was syndercated that would be different, I would have to meet the newspapers demands once a week every week 52 weeks a year! (Yes I know that is another excuse). But if I was syndercated I would most likely drop dead from the pressure, then I would not write any more, that would be a good way of getting out of a contract.

The best compromise is to have some old lady who used to teach 2 grade for about 90 years of her life give me a call and harangue me until I write my column. She would not actualy come to my house because then she might beat me with a ruler or something, but she would call! Every Saturday morning I would get a call from Mrs. Always Looked 100 Years Old, and she using her gravely voice and 2 grade teaching persuasion would get me to write something.

I don't have one of those and I am thankfull for it, comedy's I just have nothing to write about, like today and the day I published that one I think it was called "A Computer and an Empty Mind" or somthing like that. This type of thing is what comes out when I have nothing to say, it is just me, my computer, me, my computer, bad and boring things happen.

None of this of coarse has anything to do with why I am lazy, in fact I will most likely not even get around to talking about it.

Oh! Another way I could get around to doing this each week is to have some type of Rube Goldberg machine get me up and over to my computer, actually that's still hard for someone like me. Maybe the Rube Goldberg machine could just write "Words of the Wise each week for me! That would be great, so if anybody could make something like that I would pay you 15 bucks!

Anyway that will most likely never happen, the reason is that I don't have 15$. So I guess I will just keep sitt'en here, writing, nothing.

The Power of the Internet...

The power of the internet, is a very, vary dangerous thing!

For instance I just made a new website for myself. Not nufichicken.com but http://travisfantina.tripod.com/ it is a free site unlike nufichicken.com meainig you have to hasle with dumb adds, but hey it's not like I'm paying for it. Anyway of corse I am rambleing so good night for now and enjoy the sites!

Words of the Wise (Mar 18); The Closet!

Closets are one of the most dangerous places in the home, for many reasons. If you have a 'youngster' in the house, the greatest danger in his closet is; a harry monster (note that not all monsters are harry). If you are older you most likely have a vast amount of things in your closet, most of which you have not looked at sense 1981 when you sold your last house and piled all your junk in your new closet!

I just happen to be a closet expert, meaning for the next fifteen minents of your life you will have to here about what has worked for me. I have battled some of the most fiercest of closet monsters, and cleaned some of the dirtiest closets (and clocks for that matter), and now I am ready to give my vast nolage the world. I am doing this all free of charge, out of the goodness and kindness of my heart! (which is full of junk, that I have not looked at sense 1981!)

1) Closet monsters.

Closet monsters plague children everywhere, they creep out from the dark closet in the corner and just when the kid is not looking they, make a sound, then jump out and- then mom and dad come in and it is all over. The key thing to remind kids of is; monsters are not that different then us! True they may look different, and eat different stuff, but kids that monster is just as scared of you as you are of it! Yeah that's right, think about that for a bit!

"Mom! I'm scared that the kid will make a noise again!"

"Oh, I guarantee you that there is nothing in that bedroom!"

"But mom I here noises coming from the bedroom door!"

"I want you to take a deep breath and walk in to that bedroom, count to ten then come out again, I promise nothing will happen to you."

The little monster then proceeds to do what he is told, he then sees the kid the kid sees him they both go running off to mom and dad!

2) Hazards of a grown person's closet!

The main hazard of the closet is; being eaten by a pile of your old suites, yearbooks, photos, vacuum and a box of Life magazines.

"Oh, My goodness the vacuum has got my foot!!!...

...Hey this is the John Lennon issue!"

Yes it happens all the time, my only suggesting is; every six months rotate the junk in your closet and the junk under your bed. Haha, no there are better ways to fix this problem then running and moving junk around! The most obvious is; buy a new house! It does not have to be a big one just a little summer get away where you can keep your stuff!

3) The wardrobe (An imitation closet!)

Yes there are many wardrobes in the world poising as closets, in fact you may have one in your home! If you do don't panic, just pretend it is a closet and hope that none of your guests will notice! Wardrobes have a real nice feature, it is not known to most but if you walk far enough back in your wardrobe, you will come to a magical land where odd creatures bound around, and beavers talk to you.

Words of the Wise (Mar 13); Our Solar System

Believe it or not, you are part of the solar system, our solar system, why? Because that's how it works.

Any way the Solar System is the last frontier, and unlike the Enterprise we have not explored space to it's fullest, but I have so I know all about everything that happens there. In light of the darkness of space I will be talking, this week, about our solar system.

Our Solar System is made up of about 10 planets, one star, a moon, open space, space junk, and yes politicians. I will be first touching on the Sun, now this is techicanaly impossible, because you would burn up jillions of miles before you even got close to the Sun. Any way the Sun is a big ball of fire that is way to hot to even roast marshmallows over, it also has something to do with the way plants grow.

Now for the planets, I will first be talking about the inner 4 planets, these planets are the ones that can support life and lawyers. These 4 planets are also very small in comparison to an object like Marlon Brando in his old age.

Now one of these planets is called Earth, (this is the one I do not live on) it has what is known as a 'Moon' pronounced 'Moon'. Until 1991 the Moon was thought to be only a paper moon, but in late October of 1991 DR. Van Gobermen PhD came up with the contravorsal theory that the moon was made up of Green cheese, and in 1998 Gobermen's theory was accepted as a Scientific Law!

Now for the outer planets, there are about 6 of these, Mars, Saturn, Uranus, Goofy, Pluto, and Mickey! These plants are made up of gas and mean people's hot air, nobody has ever gone to any of them for on reason, because nobody cares. So I will now be moving on to....

....Space junk pronounced 'Space Junk' space junk is mostly small rocks called asteroids (based on the popular arcade game), and parts of NASA ships, so there is realy no point in investigating Space Junk any further, because after all, it is just junk.

Part XXIV Exploring Space!

So how do we explore space? Well there is NASA, and RNASA (Russia's NASA) there are also several private space programs. There is also the little talked about ASP, Atlantis Space Program, which sadly, turned into a deep sea program when Atlantis sunk. I have also made my own space program, we believe in duck tapeing scuba parts to my body and bouncing my self into space via a trampoline. So far the TRAVIS I, TRAVIS II, TRAVIS III, TRAVIS IIV, TRAVIS IV, and TRAVIS V, have been painful failures.

So, eager young space cadets, thanks for reading and I will see you on Goofy!

Words of the Wise (Feb 18); Economic crisis over Subs!

Before I proceed I would like to announce that the word for "a sandwich that is long and on a bun" is highly debated, some folks call them, "Submarine Sandwiches". Others who are to lazy to say "Submarine sandwiches" just say "Sub" or "Subs", if you come from Philly you say "Hogies". I have even herd them referred to as a "Superman Sandwich" this of course has nothing to do with the popular comic/cartoon "Superman" all use of the name "Superman" is Travis Fantina's views and do not necessarily blah blah blah.

Now that is over with I would like to regale everybody with my personal problems; It all began one day when I walked in to my local sub shop, the shop will remain nameless, but let me assure you it was not a "mom and pop sub shop" it was a huge chain and I can assure you that you have one in your town. Now I was pretty hungry and so when I came across this sub shop, I wanted something to eat. So I went in and said to the guy;

Me: "guy, gimmey a sub"

Guy: "what kind would you like?'

Me: "ham, lettuce, tomato, provolone, olive oil, vinegar, roost beef, Swiss , pickle, anchovies but go light on em, Mayo, beats, gravy, pepper, salt, mushrooms (Chinese), radishes, carrots, olives, more pickle, a small assortment of dried fruit, a cherry on top, and I would like it on toasted white bread."

Guy: "Could I have that again?"

Me: "You bet ham, lettuce, tomato, provolone, olive oil, vinegar, roost beef, Swiss , pickle, anchovies but go light on em, Mayo, beats, gravy, pepper, salt, mushrooms (Chinese), radishes, carrots, olives, more pickle, a small assortment of dried fruit, a cherry on top, and I would like it on toasted white bread."

Guy: "That's what I was afraid of, ok so let me see you want; ham, lettuce, tomato, provolone, olive oil, vinegar, roost beef, Swiss , pickle, anchovies but go light on em, Mayo, beans, gravy, pepper, salt, mushrooms (Chinese), radishes, carrots, olives, more pickle, a small assortment of dried fruit, a cherry on top, and I would like it on toasted white bread."

Me; "No no I want; ham, lettuce, tomato, provolone, olive oil, vinegar, roost beef, Swiss , pickle, anchovies but go light on em, Mayo, beats, gravy, pepper, salt, mushrooms (Chinese), radishes, carrots, olives, more pickle, a small assortment of dried fruit, a cherry on top, and I would like it on toasted white bread."

Guy: "Oh! I see, that will be a few moments sir anything else?"

Anyway I got my sub expecting it to be the sensation that it usually is, but when I bit into it, it was terable! I had never tasted a more putrid peace of mud in my life! You are most likely thinking "duh! That sub was born to be gross!" but I have had subs like this before and TRUST me they are great! One of the 6 food wonders of the world! (food wonders also include; Chouterzuoomainet the popular French deresrt, and Pizzur the Italian food that was not properly translated when it came to America.) So my point is I had a 10 lb sandwich on my hands and I was out 54 dollars and 73 cents, now I am afraid to buy anything because I feel like I might be ripped off again!

My point is don't shop at the big chains stick to the mom and pops! Also if you ever get around to it you really ought to try a ham, lettuce, tomato, provolone, olive oil, vinegar, roost beef, Swiss , pickle, anchovies but go light on em, Mayo, beats, gravy, pepper, salt, mushrooms (Chinese), radishes, carrots, olives, more pickle, a small assortment of dried fruit, a cherry on top, on toasted white bread sandwich. They are very delicious.

Me for Pres

For those of you who could not take the time to go to my site and print out the image of my campain poster I am putting it on my blog!
(if you don't know what I am talking about read my words of the wise for the first week in febuary!)

Words of the Wise (Feb 11); House noise.

So what is with these house noises? I was down stairs today and I almost lost my lunch I was so scared! I actually herd people walking around, in my house (this is not an auditory hallucination), yet when I went up stairs there was nobody to be seen.
The worst part about these said 'noises' is that they happen mostly right before I go to bed, and right after reading the complete works of MR. Steven King, (yes I read his complete works every night). So naturally my head is filled with childhood fears of clowns! And dead pets and high schoolers who burn down there gyms! It is very traumatic to have these noises combined with my thoughts!

So what are these noises? Where do they come from? What is there purpose? The answer? I have no clue. I am currently working on some crazy way of getting rid of them forever and ever (witch is a pretty long time). So far I have come up with a few ideas; one burn my house and live in a tent on my front lawn, the pros of this idea are that I could collect the insurance money from the house and go to Hawaii! The cons of burning down my house are that after I came back from Hawaii I would be arrested for some sort of arson! So that idea was thrown out, but I was able to come up with a couple more, the second idea; spending like 300,0p00 (the p is Greek for "a number so huge nobody knows what it is) on a huge home sound system, I would crank it so loud that I could only hear the music and not the noises! The cons of this idea is that the neighbors would have me arrested for disturbing the peace. The pros are that when the police tried to tell me "get into the car" I would not be able to here them. I came up with one last idea; move to Texas. The pros (or pro) would be that people would no longer mess with me because everybody knows you just don't mess with Texas! The con would be that my new house would still most likely make noise.

So after all that you are most likely wondering "why did he chose Texas?" Good question, I myself don't know, I think it was the first state that popped into my head. Also I think that A1 company gives discounts to Texas residents, I should look into that.

I have asked others about this noise and they said that it was my heating or imagination, but I am shore it is people walking around in my house! I am settled on that, there are people who walk around in my house, and nobody can make me change my mind. Since I can not change my mind I decided to kind of just redo the image that I get when I here the people walking around... Instead of a three headed mass murder who likes to eat peoples large intestine raw, I changed my image of who it is, I changed it to somebody I know. I now picture my elderly neighbor down the street walking around in my house; I think he lives in one of the boxes that was never unpacked.

Words of the Wise (Feb 4); Travis for Pres!

Wow over a month since I last posted!

Any way, politics. Politics seems to be a pretty hot topic for most writers, and not wanting to be excluded, I decided to grab the bull by the tail and pull it while it was sleeping.
I will start off by making the controversial statement; Travis Fantina should be elected president of the United States. Ok I know that you are most likely thinking; but the election is not until 2008. Truer thoughts have never been thought, but I have found a loophole. All we have to do is Impeach the guy who is in office now, then the next one, and then whoever is next, so on and so fifth. Eventually they will have impeached all the people down to a guy who lives in northwest Canada, and then they just won't impeach me!

The Travis Fantina Policies;

If I really want to be elected I will need a way to sway people over to my side so I have come up with this cleaver speech;
I am Travis Fantina, I am going to be elected president, you will vote for me! What I am going to speak on in the next few minuets is how I plan to run this country.
I will start off by passing a bill; all those who exit the rest room with out washing there hands will be sentenced with up to 90 days in the county slammer (in some states this means the death penalty). This law excludes those who 'forgot' 'where in a rush' 'don't care' 'were being removed from the washroom by gun point'.
I will also pass a cell phone talkers bill, all those who talk on cell phones in a public place for hours on end will be testing my Mars relocation program (oxygen thinks are only for those are rich). Of course you yeah you reading this you are excluded.
I also plan to clean up our parks, bulldoze slums and build a huge apartment complex for all those with out shelter! I will make cars bullet proof; I will give all workers all year off! I will fly to the mooooooooooon!


--End Speech--

So I think I could easily take office I passed two bills that don't really do anything (but you don't know that) I also said all the other stuff that candies say before the election. So remember if you are cool you will go to http://www.nufichicken.com/elect.html and print out my election poster!